Lit eZine Vol 3 | p-18 | INSIGHTS | The Art of Subconscious Conversation

ARTICLE

THE ART OF SUBCONSCIOUS CONVERSATION
by Mona Soorma

After a perfectly pleasant conversation with a stranger, have you ever felt that you still don’t like them? Or, in a relationship, do you complain that you are not being heard? Or perhaps been accused of not listening? Maybe you were not selected after the interview that you thought went well. The list can go on, and if you have been in a similar situation, let me assure you that you are not alone.

In this age of digital interaction, the art of conversation is quietly getting lost. 

Most of us have endured similar circumstances once or even several times in our lives. We would love to have an answer to this perplexing problem. And the answer is as complex as it is simple.

What we don’t say is at least as important, if not more, than what we are actually saying.

And why is that?
While we pride ourselves on our ability to string words together and our brain is busy building an impeccable expression, our bodies are having their own conversation at a subconscious level. This conversation can make or break our interactions. But help is at hand. We do have a way to understand these non-verbal cues and use them to our advantage.

To ensure the success of any interaction, we have to come across as active and interested listeners. If we sit down for a conversation and appear defensive or unyielding, the conversation will probably not result in the desired outcome. 

Psychologists recommend these measures for better interaction-

• Sit facing the other person at an angle to look at them and show that you are attentive and ready to listen.
• Do not cross your arms. Keep an open posture and allow the other person to become comfortable.
• Lean forward towards your conversation partner to show your interest and allow for a low-voiced conversation. However, make sure that you do not invade the personal space of a person. While different cultures have different ideas about what is too close, extreme closeness is perceived as intimidating unless it is intimate. So keep a respectable distance while being close enough to listen.
• Maintain eye contact but do not stare the other person down. You want to tell the other person you are interested without being threatening.
• Relax. Do not rush. Let the other person feel you are not waiting for the conversation to end and run away. Setting a pace comfortable for both is essential.
• Sometimes, a non-intimate touch on the forearm or hand can help in showing that you care. This may vary from culture to culture. If in doubt, refrain from touching. Let them know you are empathetic in your manner.

Whether you are the primary speaker or the active listener, these little things can help in creating a positive experience. They can mean the difference between the success or breakdown of any interaction. 

While these are useful tips for everyone, writers can benefit twice as much from these skills. Not only can they be used in interpersonal relationships, but also to create believable fictional characters and to “show, not tell” what is happening in the story. These elements can easily be reversed to create an uncomfortable interaction if the story so demands. 

Whether you are trying to build a relationship or make a deal or counsel an errant child, or pretty much have any kind of conversation, be aware of the non-verbal cues you are sending across. Be a mindful partner in any interaction and watch your life change for the better.